Today, as we continue in our weekly working lives my thoughts wander to topics of more pragmatic concern. To things that we often perceive as being at odds with our notions of peace and contentment. I speak of ambition, competiveness, and motivation. One problem of becoming overly philosophical and existentialist is that these things, which are very much a part of who we are as human beings, often get dismissed as being contradictory to the conclusions we derive.
I believe that with introspection, observation, and meditation, ambition and its brothers are actually counterposed; that is together these concepts form a dynamic equilibrium. To venture too far into either extreme is to fall out of this delicate balance. With regards to these counterposed forces, too much philosophy can lead to an overly sedentary existence, while too much ambition can be damaging to the spirit and to others.
The concept of shedding seconds is one that now fascinates me, as it often times finds itself in what I see as the perfect middle ground of the two forces. A good friend of mine, who was once a competitive swimmer, used to tell me about the herculean effort she would put in to her practice. The motivation was to complete her distance swim just tenths of a second faster than previously. She would train for hours, wake up before the sun, eat healthfully and devote her training to this 'end'. At the time I understood but could not relate. I preferred fast and furious action that culminated in the defeat of an opponent, in table tennis, hockey, and basketball. I would also train for hours, though I would not wake up at any given time, and I would eat whatever I wanted (which in those days largely consisted of 99 cent whoppers (1.29 w/cheese) from BK). She was on a team with herself, and also competing with herself, and at the same time was captain of the swim team. For me, it was me against the world, and even with a team sport it was still a variation of the theme with 'us and them'.
After all these years I suddenly realize theres a profound measure of beauty that was always present in her practice that was lacking in mine. My competitive spirit was way out of balance. I would sacrifice myself to win. Of course it would still be fun if I lost, but I would hate it, and hate myself. And when I did win I would be swept away in the high of the moment and in all truth would take more delight in having been the best at something, better than the rest, rather than paying any heed to the real triumph that is the internal victory, the mastery of oneself.
And so it is that it took me engaging in a sport that has absolutely humbled me in this thirst to be better than the rest, for me to realize the beauty in the struggle/companionship with the self. The sport I speak of is rowing. My dad bought a rowing machine over a decade ago and after all of our various moves it has stayed with me for the last year or so. I used to use it on and off but of course my mind was tainted with the various notions of being the best, so with no competition at hand, I would lose motivation pretty quickly. But now, as I find myself in a strange and unfamiliar point in my life where I am not engaged fully in a competitive sport, I took up rowing with full earnest.
Rowing is easy on the joints and is also a full body workout. In a relatively short amount of time I find myself working much harder than any run I have been on, and the level of exertion rivals and surpasses even that of skating. The company, Concept2, has an online logbook where you can put your times and distances. And here is where I have at last found the equilibrium that I have so dearly been missing. You can also rank your results against those others who have posted their own. I considered myself athletic, but not an athlete. Some sort of enthusiast-amateur-wannabe-athlete. Labels tend to be useless and this is no exception.
With my former attitude still in full force, I decided to upload my times/distances. I thought that I would crush some people and that would make me feel good, and with that I would attack the rowing machine again and crush some more people and that would feel great. Power. So to say that it was a humbling experience to see my rank is a gross understatement. With me gasping for air and pushing myself past my limits, my time/distance placed me in the 24th percentile. Twenty-fucking-four. Talk about a reality check. Granted, this is a small subset of people, namely males between 19-29 greater than 70 kg, and most importantly, those who bothered to put their results online, and hopefully with some honesty. But still. As I am attempting to put in words now, that is a reality changing experience for someone who's ambition jumps to one extreme and is only 'countered' by an unbalanced jump to the extreme of introspection.
It gives me a great peace of mind now to begin my row, to know that it is me and myself beginning this short journey, competing with eachother at times and pushing eachother along at other times, together forming the perfect team, the unification of the self. We strive together to balance intensity and calm, overexertion and maximization, and together, I find balance. What better analogy for a microcosm of life in its entirety? One can argue that I am probably still doing it to raise my percentile. And I would not be able to deny that I do have that in mind. But it is somewhere in the fringes now, as I shadowbox with my previous selves, trying to shed those few extra seconds not to be better than anyone else but to bring the best out of myself.
Ambition without introspection can run unchecked, and oftentimes results in grave consequences for the world at large. On the other hand, introspection without any ambition tends to spell the destruction of oneself. Whether its work, or sports, or our social endeavors, we often find ourselves out of balance with ourselves with regards to these seemingly opposite forces, and the result is unhappiness and suffering both for ourselves and those around us. But motivation and meditation are simply yin and yang, the push and the pull, the counterposed forces that seek equipoise, that only together can provide the environment of equilibrium that allows the self in all its forms to thrive.
A balanced existence is a happy one.